January 29, 2009

"Now You Are Really Getting Skinny!"

The six words every girl loves to hear. LIVES FOR. All her life. Every minute, every hour, every day.

Yup, a colleague said it to me today. My mouth fell open and all I could reply was, "really????" Not with disgust in my voice, more of a shocked/hilarious kinda way. Because although I long to hear those words, I'm not quite sure if I belive it, considering the source.

I'm starting to think I have that disease, the one that's the exact opposite of what I used to have. Okay, allow me to clarify.

I used to think I was much thinner than I was. When I'd catch a glimpse of myself, say in a mirrored wall in the mall as I walked by, I'd be utterly disgusted at the reflection and shocked at my appearance. Snort. As if I wasn't as fat as the mirror revealed. Surprise! Wake up girl! Haven't you noticed how the waistband in all your pants cuts into your flesh? Did you think that was happening because you select pants that are too big as opposed to entirely too small?

Now, when I go up the stairwell at work and catch a glimpse of my shadow, it's looking pretty small to me. I think to myself, who's that rather slim person walking up ahead of me? Then there's me looking around like a weirdo. No one else is here girl - that's all you! When I look in the mirror and catch my reflection, I think "Not bad. Getting there. Those hamhock arms still need a lot of work though!"

I've been doing a lot of reading on body dysmorphia and I'm growing concerned that I'll develop it. After being so depressingly overweight for the last ten years of my life, I'm not fully convinced I'll ever look in the mirror and see the healthy, toned woman I'm determined to become. I'm growing afraid that I won't believe how healthy I've become and although I know I'm in no danger of developing anorexia (let's face it, I dig food way too much to allow that to happen), I'm concerned that my inner (former fat) girl won't be able to acknowledge the outer (newly toned and healthy) girl I've become.

Tell me, when you look in the mirror, what do you see?

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January 2009 Gratitude Journal:
Thursday 1 January: Today I'm grateful for family and friends who are willing to make the long trek to my home to celebrate the New Year with us.
Friday 2 January: Today I'm grateful for the pretty light blue sweater I'm wearing thats bringing sunshine to a gloomy January day.
Saturday 3 January: Today I'm grateful for the love and laughter of my daughters - they really are my pride and joy.
Sunday 4 January: Today I'm grateful for God's everlasting mercy and grace. Without it, I shudder to think of where I'd be.
Monday 5 January: Today I'm grateful for weight loss and maintenance blogs that give me valuable information.
Tuesday 6 January: Today I'm grateful for good hand lotion. Constant hand washing and harsh soap have done a number on my skin.
Wednesday 7 January: Today I'm grateful for the anticipated arrival of Spring and the longer days and flowers it's sure to bring.
Thursday 8 January: Today I'm grateful for good health and knowing it will only improve as I continue my weight loss efforts.
Friday 9 January: Today I'm grateful for my mother and her love for me. Happy Birthday, Ma!
Saturday, 10 January: Today I'm grateful for tasty cheeseburgers from Ruby Tuesday.
Sunday, 11 January: Today I'm grateful for Marigold, and his awesome willingness to be the strong head of our household and father to our Flowers.
Monday, 12 January: Today I'm grateful for my new shiny jewel-colored bracelet off the clearance rack at Macy's. Just looking at it makes me happy.
Tuesday, 13 January: Today I'm grateful for increased clients at work. Can you say job security?
Wednesday, 14 January: Today I'm grateful for my iPod Shuffle. Though small, it has brought me many hours of musical satisfaction.
Thursday, 15 January: Today I'm grateful for progress of every kind: physical, emotional and social.
Friday, 16 January: Today I'm grateful for long-weekends. Lord knows I need it!
Saturday, 17 January: Today I'm grateful for long, leisurely breakfasts with my girls.
Sunday, 18 January: Today I'm grateful for cheap at-home date nights with my hubby, Marigold.
Monday, 19 January: Today I'm grateful for Dr. King's dedication and devotion to all Americans.
Tuesday, 20 January: Today I'm grateful that CHANGE HAS COME!
Wednesday, 21 January: Today I'm grateful that although it kinda feels like a Monday, in reality it's Wednesday and the week is half over already.
Thursday, 22 January: Today I’m grateful for my slowly-evolving figure. I saw something that closely resembled a waist line yesterday.
Friday, 23 January: Today I'm grateful for other bloggers who share their private lives, including the joys and sorrows with me, especially including weight loss and running bloggers.
Saturday, 24 January: Today I'm grateful for the Afro Brazilian beating (dance class) Ms. Easter Lily laid on me last night. My glutes are on fire and I'm loving it!
Sunday, 25 January: Today I'm grateful for clearance sales.
Monday, 26 Janury: Today I'm grateful that it wasn't snowing during this morning's rush hour. Monday morning in Washington, D.C. + snow = a hot mess.
Tuesday, 27 January: Today I'm grateful for SHRM and their awesome dinner meetings. Good food and great information make for a happy Blooming Orchid.
Wednesday, 28 January: Today I'm grateful for a snow day to share with my Flowers.
Thursday, 29 January: Today I'm grateful for colleagues that are brave enough to extend compliments on my weight loss.

1 comment:

Kita said...

I am really enjoying your blog. When I look at myself in the mirror I see a fat girl. I am trying to put happy thoughts into my head and get rid of my negative self talk, but it is a slow process. UGH...Sounds like you are making progress. AWESOME