February 03, 2009

Looking Your Best in 2009

What I'm going to share with you below is completely slap-stick and should be taken with a grain of salt. It is extremely funny, however. If you have no sense of humor, you should feel free to stop reading right here. It's so funny that I felt the need to rip it off and share it with you, my faithful readers.

I'll follow it up with some tried and true advice I've recently come across that's working for me (and I'm sure some of you will vouch for as working for you). I found it on the Happy-Well Health and Fitness blog and it's writer, Charles Goldman says he found it in the 5 January issue of the New Yorker and it's original author is Amy Ozols.

For my first post in 2009, I am passing along to you a sure-fire 9-step program to help you lose weight and/or accept yourself. It is straight from the January 5 issue of The New Yorker (by Amy Ozols):

People say that obesity is an epidemic in America, but I’m determined not to become part of the problem. That’s why I’ve spent years perfecting the secret to a trim and attractive physique. My foolproof system involves just nine easy steps.

Step 1: Avoid what psychologists refer to as “emotional eating.” This is hard, because many people have a tendency to experience emotions. To solve this problem, consume increasing dosages of psychotropic medications until you cease to feel emotions of any kind.

Step 2: Visualize yourself as a thin person. This is very important, because the body often takes its signals from the brain. Each time you take a bite of food, imagine that you are a thin person taking a bite of food, chewing the food, then spitting the food into a napkin, then tucking the napkin into your backpack or purse. After you’re done visualizing these things, start doing them.

Step 3: Get rid of your “fat clothes.” Keeping your closet stocked with unflattering garments will only distract you from your quest for a slender body. To complete this step, shred or burn everything in your closet, including any hangers or shelving that a fat person may have touched. Refrain from donating anything to charity, as this could cause underprivileged people to become obese, which would be unsavory and possibly even illegal.

Step 4: Refrain from consuming food.

Step 5: Surround yourself with thin people. This will naturally encourage you to emulate their healthy habits. Weigh your friends on a regular basis, then weigh yourself. Do you have a friend who weighs less than you? If so, consider gastric bypass surgery.

Step 6: Drink plenty of water. As you’ve probably heard, water functions as a natural lubricant in the body, flushing toxins and fat cells from the digestive tract. Water is also a delicious replacement for higher-fat liquids, such as milk. Try pouring water on your cereal or in your coffee. If you’re a baby, try pouring water into your mother’s breasts.

Step 7: Buy a pet. Having a pet will force you to take walks, which are a form of exercise. This is true unless you make the mistake that I made, which was buying an iguana. Iguanas walk very slowly and smell strongly of turds. I really cannot dissuade you strongly enough from buying an iguana.

Step 8: Vigorous sexual intercourse burns up to two hundred calories per hour. Therefore, if you are not currently promiscuous, it is essential that you begin “boning” immediately. Start by having sex with every person you know. Then have sex with numerous people you have never met. Continue doing this until you are thin.

Step 9: Self-confidence is the most attractive trait a person can have. For this reason, strive to love yourself and accept yourself exactly as you are. This will be difficult if you are overweight, on account of your loathsome physical appearance and compromised value system, but do your best. And, if the going gets tough, remind yourself: every person is beautiful on the inside, provided that they are also extremely attractive on the outside.

Now, the real deal. I'm sure I'm leaving out some really good stuff here, so please write to me and let me know what's working for you, as I believe in sharing the wealth. We're all in this together!

1. I follow the nine good health guidelines, according to WW. They are:

*Eat at least five servings of veggies and fruits each day.
*Choose whole-grain foods, such as brown rice and oats.
*Include two servings of milk products - low fat or fat free each day.
*Have some healthy oil each day.
*Ensure that you are getting enough protein by choosing at least a serving or two of meat, pultry, fish, eggs, or dried beans each day.
*Limit added sugar and alcohol.
*Drink at least 6 eight ounce cups of water a day.
*Take a multi-vitamin/mineral supplement each day.
*Get some exercise in most days. 10 minutes of an activity x 3 each day lead to results.

2. Get out of the diet mentality and make healthy changes that you can stick with (FOREVER).

3. Don't depend on other people for your success. You know it's up to you, not them.

4. Journal. Write down what you eat, how much and how often. It sucks, but it works. Remember, "If you bite it, write it."

5. Speak gently to yourself. You want other people to be kind to you, so you must start with yourself.

6. Say no to yourself. You don't have to eat everything just becuase you desire it. Sometimes you just have to say no to yourself.

7. Reward yourself periodically. If you meet a weight loss goal or an activity goal, then you should acknowlege it by rewarding yourself. Non-food rewards are best and most long-lasting.

8. Don't avoid whole food groups. This can lead to failure via resentment and food group lust.

And that's what I've got. What did I leave out? What have you tried that works for you? Or, what have you tried that doesn't work that you'd like to share?

February 2009 Gratitude Journal:
1 February 2009: Today I'm grateful for the music of Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
2 February 2009: Today I’m grateful for God’s grace – just enough for each day.
3 February: Today I’m grateful for the snow – just enough to be pretty, not enough to make a mess of things.

1 comment:

Every Gym's Nightmare said...

haha- awesome. thanks for posting that list- hilarious.

Kelly Turner