August 15, 2009

Holy Crap

I got on the Tanita scale at work yesterday (as I do every other Friday) and my weight is up six whole pounds. So much for celebrating my birthday responsibly! Holy Schnikey, Bat Man! It's time for some serious reconfiguring and recallibrating.

Time to revisit (seriosuly) journaling my food and beverage intake and counting points.

Well, if only it were that simple. I have to go through the motions of convincing myself I'm worthy of losing those six points and getting my eating back on track. No more Burrito Bowls from Chipotle for me.

In order to make it home yesterday, I had to stop for gas. I stopped at a gas station and loaded up on my "screw it, it's Friday night and I just got fat" cravings: salt and vinegar potato chips and an industrial sized box of Dots. I got home and immediately proceeded to eat the entire $2.19 bag of chips leaving my tongue a raw and irritated oversized worm in my mouth then proceeded to start on the Dots. I could only get through about half the box before the desire to sleep overcame me. I had put myself into a salt-induced coma.

In a mattef of about eight hours, I had transformed myself into a self-defeating, eating all the wrong crap, loser on a self-destructive mission, MESS. I felt fat, unworthy, confrontational, ugly and sleepy.

Today has been better, so far. I woke up and hit the dreadmill with the plans to run five miles. I only made it through four before I decided enough was enough. My tongue still felt raw and swollen, making my run long and uncomfortable.

Still four miles is four miles, right? I didn't make my goal, but there's always tomorrow.

So much for my self-loving, 'I deserve to be thin' mantra and foolishness from Thursday. I feel like a fat fraud today. With a swollen and irritated tongue.

That's what getting on the scale and seeing a HUGE gain will do to your self-esteem: throws it into the trashcan of your self-esteem.

I'm going to eat some more dots. Than take a nap. Blah.

Gratitude Journal
1. Running four miles even though I felt like crap
2. Knowing that God loves me, despite my shortcomings
3. It's Saturday! No matter how bad my day is, I'm at home
4. Rose's first sleepver tonight with her best girlfriends
5. Breakfast on my deck in our new deck furniture: pure bliss

Keep on runnin' yall.

1 comment:

*Fitcetera* said...

Where are you???
I hope you haven't been derailed ... please don't quit or give up if you have.

I'm sorry I missed your birthday ... A very HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to you!

I can't believe you're a Leo too!
There are so many August babies around here it's amazing. No wonder blogland is so wonderful ;D

anyway ... I'm thinking about you and hope you're ok.