It's like...DAMNIT!

Okay, so yeah, I've been away for a long while. Upon review of my blog, it's been nearly exactly a year since I last wrote a posting.  A solid year.  Lots of things have changed, lots has remained the same, and some of it is just like, well, DAMNIT!  I was watching poetry slam tonight and one poem especially spoke to me, entitled, "It's like...DAMNIT!"  That short phrase sums up my life pretty well right now.

My Flowers are doing well. Although my little flower, Chrysanthemum, was recently diagnosed with Seizure Disorder.  That sucks, in a really bad kinda way.  She's on medication and doing quite well, but still.  I mean, DAMNIT!  Chrysanthemum loves to dance, and she takes two dance classes per week.  But she's a bit on the l-a-z-y side, so sometimes I have to literally push her little butt off the couch and turn off the episode of SpongeBob she has already watched a dozen + times.  She loves to ride her scooter outside, watch TV, and help me cook in the kitchen.  She hates school with a passion, but we're working on that vigorously. 

My big flower, Rose, is now wearing the exact same shoe size as me - an 11 to be exact.  That's tough for a ten year old.  Let me keep it real, wearing a size 11 is often hard for me and I'm grown and I have the resources to find decent shoes in hard-to-reach places.  She's a trooper, though.  She loves flip-flops, nail polish, and reading good books.  She's a bossy little thing, clearly taking after yours truly.

We've got a new family member.  His name is Emeril - yeah, like the chef.  He's a nearly all-black Morkie (Maltese + Yorkie mix), ten pounds, spoiled rotten, and bad as hell.  But SO much fun!  He takes my potty training efforts for the biggest joke ever, which is driving Marigold insane.  Actually, Emeril's very existence and residence in our home make him sick.  Emeril flunked out of puppy obedience training at PetSmart, through no fault of his own; his owner was simply too busy to get him to class every Saturday afternoon at 2:00.  That was a stupid idea to begin with - I knew I was too busy to see that through, but as usual, lack of time didn't stop me from trying!
Emeril and Marigold don't get along.  Well, actually, that's not exactly true.  Marigold refuses to interact with Emeril, choosing to pretend the dog doesn't exist.  Morkies are a lot like human people: they want to be talked to and included in the goings-on in a household.  Because Marigold refuses to interact with Emeril, and to be totally honest, I think Emeril is picking up on a lot of vibes coming from me directed at Marigold, Emeril barks at Marigold in a low, almost moaning type bark that says, "Why won't you talk to me? Why do you treat me as if I don't exist?"  I'm no dog whisperer, if I were, Emeril would've been potty trained long ago, but I still have a solid understanding of animal behavior (human and otherwise), and to be totally honest, I know what it's like to be ignored and how painful it can be.  Marigold won't let Emeril sleep in our bed and he doesn't want him sitting on the couch.  But, since I paid for two of our three couches, I let it be known that I get to make that decision, and DAMNIT, I enjoy Emeril's company on the couch, so Marigold can take his non-dog loving ass to the bank with that one.  Props to Marigold, he DID treat me and paid to have a fence built in our miniature backyard.  In typical fashion, Emeril doesn't like to be back there alone.  If I'm going to hang out with him, I might as well just walk him.  Which is what I do most days and nights, unless I'm really running late to get somewhere.  He usually won't go potty in the back yard anyway, he just scratches at the door asking to be let back in the house.  The Flowers always fall for it, let him in the house, then proceed to watch him pee and poop in his favorite spot on my carpet.  I've purchased a portable carpet cleaner and used it ONCE, but I think I need to use it more than bi-monthly in order for it to be effective.  I've resorted to bowls of vinegar in most corners and scrubbing with my homemade concoction made with carpet cleaner, vinegar, and baking soda.  It works when I KNOW where the pee has landed.  When I don't, it's not quite so effective and I come home to a house that smells like several puppies reside here, instead of just the one.

My marriage with Marigold is going through one hell of a transition.  I'm not sure what the future holds, but I can confirm that the man I married fifteen years ago has come and gone, and left in his wake someone whom I'm not sure I can remain living with.  Fifteen years DAMNIT!  I'm nearly at my wits end and sick to death of praying and crying, crying and praying.  I love my family so much.  It's an unfortunate fact that both Marigold and I both feel much more sadness and trepidation about dismantling our beautiful family than we do about dissolving our marriage.  Because we married so young, I was only 20, he was 23, it's only natural that we have grown and changed a lot.  And unfortunately for us, all our growth has not been in the same direction.  Of course, we're two individuals, so it's not unusual for us to grow at different rates and change immensely over the course of 15 years.  At to the equation an unplanned pregnancy, a shotgun wedding, and a miscarriage less than two weeks later, and it all equals two confused, and slightly over-it 30-somethings who feel totally DONE!   Still, it's like...DAMNIT!

Some of the activities that Marigold has been participating in over the last few years has been revealed to me  (after hours of interrogation)and I am left shocked, embarrassed, humbled, troubled, saddened, surprised, let-down, angry, and all the other disappointed-sounding adjectives and adverbs.  I'm not sure if we will remain together or not, but I do know that my life has been changed forever. 

The Blooming Orchid has been irrevocably changed and I'm definitely standing at a cross-road in my life.  My life, my children, my work, my education and my desire to make it big in this world are all more important to me than ever before.  I feel a sense of urgency to keep pushing, keep striving, keep going and going and going until.  Well, until something great happens. And I know that good things are in store for me.  My faith in myself and my future is very strong right now.  Despite the fact that my legs are shaky, my spirit is pretty sure-footed right now.  I know I'm a child of God and I know that I'm doing what He has called me to do.

I'm back in school too.  Yup, I'm nearly 3/4 of the way finished a graduate program in Education.  In less than nine months, I will give birth to a child I will call Masters Degree in Education with an Emphasis on Adult Education and Development.  I imagine that while my back was turned and I chose to focus on raising two small children, working full time and struggling through a Master's degree, my husband and supposed Ride or Die, was struggling with feelings of loneliness and abandonment.  I believe that instead of dealing with those same feelings two years prior, I instead chose to dive head first into furthering my self sufficiency by working like a dog and enrolling in school.  I can't help but wonder: did I intentionally turn my back on my Marigold, anticipating he would do what he did and thus, initiate the demise of our marriage? 

On another sad note, I've regained forty of the fifty pounds I lost two years ago.  So much so that many of my beloved size 16s are now snug and sometimes even painful.  It's like...DAMNIT!  Who works so hard to lose 50 pounds, then proceed to gain nearly all of them back?!  A nut, that's who!  But I'm trying not to beat myself up.  I'm trying to learn to be patient and more supportive of myself.  I'm still learning to love myself and I know that all the trials and tribulations I am going through will benefit me in the end.  I will learn from all these lessons! 

Keep loving yourself.  Life's too short not to!