I'm panicking! Don't panick! I'm freaking out! Don't freak out!

I had a moment of insanity today after reading a woman's blog about her weight loss success assisted by lap band surgery.  To further that, I looked at a male colleague today who admitted to having laser surgery on his eyes recently and realizing that, he's also lost quite a bit of weight.  I speculated, in my Monday morning crappy mood, that he's probably had lap band surgery.  Can you see me squinting my eyes in suspicion? 

What's the point of all this you ask?  Who cares? 

The point is, everybody around me is dropping weight like it's hot (I hate that song, but it's so dang true!) and I'm stuck at my ~50 pound weight loss (if you want to be specific, it's closer to 40 pounds now, 'cause I'm actively gaining like a mutha).  It's time to get this train moving back down the track.

Can I share with you that for a split second, I panicked and considered taking my lazy ass back to the Nutritionist at Kaiser and inquiring about weight loss surgery again.  How bad does it have to get before I realize that I can do this on my own?  I'm not uneducated, I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid, nor do I hate myself.  I *LOVE* me some me!  So why then do I insist on making this harder than it needs to be!

I'm starting a graduate degree program next month and in my personal and professional  life, I continue to be a full time mommy, wife and employee.  Zoo week is coming up (six mandatory dance rehearsals and three recitals) next month and add to that, I'd like to go to Ocean City to chillax for a day or two (the Flowers will be there for a week with Daisy, but I must save my leave for Jamaica in August).  The Bottom line is, I have no extra time for ANYTHING.  Therefore, Weight Watchers weekly meetings are just not gonna happen.  I didn't get much out of the last go-round of WW meetings at work.  I love that woman, but she just wasn't speaking my language last time around. 

But mercy me, I have to do something quick or the dam is gonna break.  I can't afford to let that happen.  I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN.  I love the happy, quirky, less-demanding, less stressed, running, Stairmaster-ing chic I've become since I lost the weight.  I will not allow myself to succumb to the regain.  The buck stops here!  It's time to recommit to my fabulosity.  Right here and right now.

Weight Watchers online, here I come. 

Keep on runnin' yall!

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Gratitude Journal
1. Just for today, I will not complain about anything; I am blessed and highly favored and I know it
2. Seeing my brothers and sisters on TV last night on line at food pantries across the nation have inspired me to eat less and be thankful for more
3. My colleague complimented me this morning and told me that she believes my Flowers will be very successful women because I am so structured and focused on raising them well
4. Daisy treated me to a steamed crab feast yesterday and brought them all the way to my house!  Love that woman! 

Nope, I'm not dead, I've just been hiding

Here's the thing: I've been on a lazy, eating-whatever-I feel-like, post-surgery binge since the week of Christmas.  You see, I had a bunionectomy on Monday, December21st.  It was the most long-winded, drawn-out procedure I've ever endured.  And to make matters worse, I had the surgery on my right foot.  I live in Northern VA - hello, I practically LIVE in my automobile.  Not being able to drive, or exercise, or go from point A to point B as I pleased was very hard on me. Marigold was patient and drove me to and fro, but it wasn't the same.  I wanted to drive MYSELF!  My truck!  My music! My  heat up as high as I wanted it!  All that!

I've always been a very independent girl and this activity-halting surgery was a real slap in the face. I mean, I was informed of how my recovery would go and the things I was prohibited from doing, but still.  It was mentally worse than I ever thought it could be. I hated life for about ten weeks. Not to mention, the first two weeks I was forced to wear the ugliest boot known to man, then for the next three weeks, I wore another really ugly shoe-like contraption.  I was no fashion statement, I tell you.  It was a long, unattractive and painful ten weeks.  The pain was not that intense, but it was the kind of pain that would not go away.  I'd pop an 800 mg ibuprofen and surf through the next four or six hours pretty painlessly and feel, for the most part, okay. Then, you guessed it!  Here the pain would come again.  I don't deal very well with pain.  I never have, and I probably never will.  I'm a complaining, weepy, over-reacting wus, to be more precise. And the scar!  Oh the scar!  It's awful.  I would have endured another few weeks of pain if I could've avoided a scar.  It's really ugly.  But my bunion is gone and my big toe, despite the swelling that still lingers, looks great. 

So, I had my surgery and I sat on my butt through two (or was it three?) blizzards.  Chrysanthemum and Rose were out of school for a solid week, plus a day or two here and there, and you know who was home with them.  Yup - yours truly.  We spent about a week baking cookies, cakes, pies, and I happily hoovered any other sweet things I could get my grubby hands on.  I gained eight sloppy pounds.  I was miserable.  I was very angry with myself, but felt powerless to change things.  We were stuck in the house!  Literally! The only activity I got for a while was shoveling snow. It's a pretty good workout, in case you hadn't heard. We got so much snow it blanketed everything, including my mood.  Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful having the extra time with my Flowers, but it was not joyous to be forced to sit on my rapidly-spreading butt for weeks at a time. 

Finally, on February 8th, I got clearance from my Podiatrist to begin slowly exercising again, with strict orders to take it easy.  I did the happy dance out of his office, with plans to break a sweat again ASAP! 

Sixteen weeks later, I'm running/walking again, I'm back up to three miles at a time, I've been reunited with my beloved Stairmaster, I've lost five of the nearly ten pounds I put on, and I'm so very happy to be active again.  I never once in life thought I'd become the kind of girl that becomes miserable from being forced to be inactive.  Seriously!  Me???!!  Who woulda thunk it?

I can't take all the credit, I've started seeing my therapist again last month and I'm working on some of the issues I've been dodging for about thirty years.  Better late than never, eh?

I still battle with my weight.  I still overeat and occasionally binge on something I know is no good for me.  Oh yeah, I dropped out of Weight Watchers the last time around.  I'm a WW drop-out again.  Like Oprah said, 'I can't believe I'm still talking about my weight!'  I'm currently reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth and I'm actively seeking insight into my quest for self-destruction a la food. Learning to love myself completely, despite my extra body weight and my other miscellaneous shortcomings has been a repeated theme with me.  I'm still a work in progress! 

The most exciting news of all for me is that I've enrolled in a graduate program.  I'll start pursuing my M.Ed (Masters degree in Education) in June.  I feel very strongly that this program is going to be a good fit for me and I have high hopes for myself. I want to do well and learn a lot.  I miss researching so much!  If I could afford to be a professional student, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Anyhoo, I'm alive, life is good.  I hope to be back real soon. 

In the meantime, keep on runnin', yall!

Still Water Runs Deep

No, I didn't fall too far off the deep end, although it has been a while since I last wrote. I fell into a bit of a pity party, although it was a short one. I had to kick my no-fun guest out fairly early (that would've been me!) and ended the party early in the game before the blues set in. I didn't like my down-in-the-dumps attitude, so I had to quickly get back to positive self-talk and remind myself why eating properly and exercise are so important - much more important than the numbers on the scale.

Speaking of the scale, I have not boycotted it. I have made an executive decision that I will not weigh myself weekly, as I did while on Weight Watchers. I weigh myself bi-weekly, or every other Friday. This method works for me, as weekly weigh-ins became a significant source of stress and anxiety. Besides, I'm only interested in long-term weight loss and the weekly weigh-in seemed to show more micro or minute gains or losses that I believe are a normal part of life. Water weight, sodium, and hormonal weight seems to come and go every 2-3 days for me, so weighing every seven days seemed to more dramatically highlight those gains/losses that I may have not been able to avoid.

I weighed myself on yesterday, and while I was somewhat upset to see that I have not lost the entire six pounds I gained while over-celebrating my birthday, I have shed three of those pounds. They've reported to me that they're happy with their new home. I've given them the green light to remain with their new host. I will not need them to return and I don't miss their company.

Today I decided to treat myself to a different workout: water aerobics. Actually, it was unintentional, as I had only planned to swim laps and then sit in the whirlpool and relax my over-taxed muscles, but as I was finishing up my swim, the lovely water aerobics teacher invited me to take part in the class. What a treat it was! When she told me it combined deep- and shallow-water activities, I was worried someone had developed a plot to rub me out by drowning, but when I saw the buoyance belt each participant wore, I realized it wasn't a hit on my life.



The class incorporated water weights and noodles (for resistance) and various activities including swimming and running in place for cardio. It was a great class. I definitely felt I got a great workout and with minimal soreness, as in the water, I'm weightless. The other ladies in the class were lots of fun as well, hooting and hollering to each other and laughing at our frequent confusion over exactly what the instructor was asking us to do: "Legs where?" "Weights or noodles? Neither? Oh, okay."

Yesterday I ran four miles on the dreadmill. I'm still loving the running, but I also understand the importance of participating in other physical activities, i.e. the water aerobics, which will only enhance my running and endurance. I'm committed to running a minimum of 20 miles per week, while also participating in other cardio and strength training in an effort to shed these last 30 pounds. These pounds can't find their way to new owners too soon!



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Gratitude Journal:
1. Water aerobics and the cleansing effects of playing in the water
2. The Flowes will be back home tomorrow after a week with their Grandma and cousins
3. Getting stronger and feeling it
4. My quiet house to myself today and tonight

I Deserve to Be Thin and Healthy

I squeaked out four and a half miles on the dreadmill yesterday. Again, I made up my mind how far I would run and I ran it. It took me a smidge over an hour, but it was a great investment in my body and my healthy future. My middle and back are sore, despite a good amount of stretching before and after my run, but hey, I'll take it. It means I had a good workout. No pain, no gain, is that still the rule of thumb?

I'll readily admit to struggling with my food intake again recently. As Oprah said about her weight, "I can't believe I'm still talking about this!!" I've been blaming it on my birthday (and over-extended celebration of it), but in reality, I know it stems from a lingering self-defeating need to sabotage my weight loss efforts. As soon as it registered in my thick skull that I had lost a total of 50 pounds, the desire to sabotage kicked in and I've been eating more than I need and craving really stupid, unhealthy things (puffed Cheetos, for example - but so far, I've been able to avoid actually eating them; I just think about them regularly). I've been overindulging in cake and cupcakes and baked goods in general and right now, I'm sucking down a sugary-sweet iced latte from McDonalds. I'm proud to say that I did manage to avoid a breakfast menu item from there, but the coffee called my name and I convinced mytself I deserved it because I had sat on I-495 for over a half an hour with a zillion of my Washington area neighbors as a car wreck inconveniently occupied two lanes of traffic. I never drink crap like this. Well, not never, but very rarely. Most mornings it's fiber cereal with a banana and hot green tea with Spleda and honey. Today I had oatmeal and this coffee drink think loaded with enough sugar to send a diabetic into a coma.

Anyway, I'm struggling right now. The mantra that was in my in-box this morning was exactly what I needed to kick myself back into mental gear and lose the rest of this weight.

I'm going to adopt it as my mantra for the coming days and weeks of struggling with food and consumption. You can read it here (I've modified it some to meet my needs):
• "I deserve to be healthy and thin!"
• "I have a great healthy body!"
• "I've had plenty of food today, my body is healthy!"
• "I love my body and it's important to me that I take good care of it!"
• "I like to diet, I feel in control of my life!"

It's only food! It's just a meal...you are going to have another one in a few hours! Eating is not an event! ...it's not a hobby! ...it's fuel!

I understand you LOVE to eat! BUT, you prefer to look good in your clothes, feel self confident about the way you look and be healthy!

There are NO advantages to being overweight!

Not only do you cause yourself to be a victim and suffer everyday, you shorten your life span considerably!

Being overweight isn't healthy! Obesity is responsible for 325,000 deaths every year!

Starting and staying on a diet that's healthy means having a plan!

You have nothing to lose (except unwanted fat), and everything to benefit!

Diet and get healthy! The world is kinder to you when you are kinder to yourself (this was reinforced through my therapy session recently, I'm slowly starting to realize it's true)!

Diet and get healthy! It's great to be fit! Diet and get healthy! This is not a dress rehearsal!

This is your Life!

I love this. Not only am I posting it here, I've also created a Word document with it and I plan to frame it and keep it somewhere visible.

*Taken from Meditations for Weight Loss - Your Daily Meditation Please stop by, they send regular e-mails that are full of motivating tips and affirmations. It's free!

Keep on running!

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Gratitude Journal
1. Running and knowing it's making me healthy
2. Coffee drinks that insert caffeine in super speed
3. Safe travels
4. Summer camp payments are over!
5. Daisy and her love for me and the Flowers
6. Projects at work that I enjoy

50

This is what 50 pounds of sugar looks like. Gone FOREVER!

Today I gleefully announce my 50 pounds weight loss. In honor of my tremendous success, I'm going to buy myself a bouquet of the prettiest flowers I can find tonight. I feel so good right now, like I'm walking on air.

How has blogging influenced or been influenced by my weight loss? Well, I definitely feel an obligation to share with you, my devoted readers, of how I've been doing. I love sharing my tips, techniques and trials with you. I think there's strength in numbers and transparency keeps me more honest. I think there's definitely a connection between the two, but I'm not completely sure of what that connection is.

What I do know for sure is that I while I've created a healthy future for myself and the Flowers, I still have a few pounds I'd like to lose. My desire to see ONEDERLAND and remain there is very strong, stronger than ever. My desire for fattening/processed foods has decreased tremendously and it has become much easier to talk myself out of the foods I once craved and lusted after. However, I do still indulge in my favorites occasionally. My whole family is healthier as a result of my efforts and we all think about the foods we choose before we eat them. Spinach is a constant staple in our diets and we've all grown to adore it. I like to think that I'm creating a healthy future for the Flowers and for Marigold, God forbid if ever there's a time when I'm not around to nudge them in the direction of healthy food and beverage choices.

My running has become a passion for me and just last night I squeaked out five miles on my beloved dreadmill. I made up my mind that I'd run five miles and I did it. Simple as that. No drama, no crying, no weeping and moaning, just blissful running (and a blistered foot, but nobody's too inconvenienced by that, least of all me). I turned off my iPod and decided to jam to the various music channels on cable. That was a nice change and seemed to keep my motivation and perhaps my speed up. I'm still quite the tortoise, but I remain okay with that. Five miles is five miles, KWIM??!

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Gratitude Journal

1. Faith and love
2. My Flowers who keep me inspired
3. Fresh fruit and vegetables
4. Clients who strive for something more
5. Greeting cards that make me happy
6. Seeing the numbers on the scale continue to go down